All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
