: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
