you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
