Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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