there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
