I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
