After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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