We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
