this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we made out on top of his cat.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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