Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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