Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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