your parents love me but you hate me
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
