My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
