theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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