the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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