I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
