i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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