After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
