Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
