There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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