1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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