i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
