I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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