Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
