This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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