turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize