Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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