I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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