You just made me feel so damn special
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
