I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
