We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
