all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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