and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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