i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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