She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
