not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
