You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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