piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize