I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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