i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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