did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
