I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
