I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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