Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
