There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
