I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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