Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
