U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
