Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
