I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
