God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just invented taco cereal.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
