Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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