Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dicks are not precious.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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