i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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